draw the line.

theres a limit as to how much more surprises someone can take.

i want out.

mustard seed like faith.

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

//

i don’t understand how i work sometimes, but all i know is things will be fine at the end, even though the outcome may not be what i wanted or what i had desired.

yesterday was pretty rough. those who know, you know. if you don’t haha please do not ask me.

yesterday was a day worth giving thanks for and i’ll just name one harmless incident. there weren’t any small kids yesterday! and for the first time in my teaching history, at 7.55pm (service starts at 7.30pm) there still werent any kids! and i was feeling desperate and at the same time immune because the day was rotten, how much rotten can it get/can i feel? but praise the Lord,  we had 7 children in the end although we had to combine classes.

it reminded me of how great He is, how much He’s willing to give and how much He wants to make us contented and how much He wants to make me happy, make us happy. and those who know me, they know i’m not someone who’ll shout Praise the Lord! or say Thank God man! this says something about my stingyness. haha, but yeah. yesterday reminded me that God wasn’t a stingy God, He’s generous and everything. (: and as though it wasn’t enough, God gave me another surprise during my quiet time.

when i was questioned, i was questioning my faith too. do you want to be a youth leader and do you want to go to heaven. there’re things that people don’t kow about me, they don’t know what i had done in the past, they don’t know that whatever i’ve said to people, nasty things, i still remember them and they still slice me whenever i hear my words in the backof my mind and they don’t know i still wince whenever i remember those things.

but look at what God told me through my quiet time:

God doesn’t remember the past. But I do, you do. You still remember. You’re like me. You still remember what you did before you changed. In the cellar of your heart lurk the ghosts of your yesterday’s sins. Sins you’ve confessed, errors of which you’ve repented, demage you’ve done your best to repair.

That horrid lie.

The time you exploded in anger.

Now honestly, do you think God was exagerating when he said he would cast our sins as far as the east is from the west? Do you actually believe he would make a statement like. ‘I will not remember their sins anymore.’ (Jeremiah 31:34) and then rub our noses in them whenever we ask for help?

You and I just need an occasional reminder of God’s nature, his forgetful nature.

(from Grace for the Moment Daily Bible)

after i read that, i just went *smilesmilesmilesmilesmile*

…

…

i don’t know what to expect anymore, i feel like a living dead. i feel like…hell.

i don’t like surprises, i don’t like it when things come flying straight into my face and i’m expected to catch them. i feel like quitting, but i don’t want to quit. i want more out of all these, but what?

i feel as though i don’t know what i’m doing anymore. you want someone who can answer your supposedly rhetorical questions with much more conviction? i really don’t know if i can. i don’t like things that cut deep, i don’t like things that slice. and as much as i don’t like it, i don’t know how to handle it when things are like that. they say you will learn how to after a while, but i never seem to get it. i forget lessons learnt the week after they were taught.

you can say that i’m a living fake, i don’t like being exposed. i don’t like it when i know that there’s someone who knows me inside out. i want to be true, but at the same time i don’t want to be true to you. i feel as though i no longer knew what i want and what i am living for.

maybe you’re right, about me caring too much about the activities, than the underlying things beneath. so should i just drop them all?

i had a dream.

i had a dream yesterday that you were with us. doing what we were doing, singing the things we were singing…

for a moment it had felt too true, it had felt so real, and you were within my reach. i held your hand as we uttered the same prayer. but after that, i woke up.

i had a dream, but it will always be my dream, for you to be back with us, like how you were when you were standing strong.

it hurts.

you’re holding onto it, very tightly.

He reaches out and tries to prise it away from you, but you held on, so tightly that your knuckles turned white.

His grip was firmer, firmer on the Pandora’s Box in your hands, firm, but albeit gentle.

you are stubborn, you held on. you are determined to play tug-of-war with Him, if you had to.

His fingers from the other hand, the one that’s not on Pandora’s Box, He slowly, firmly but gently tried to uncurl your fingers that hung on to the box.

It hurts, it hurts too much for you to bear and you break down.

He saw the scars and the wounds under the box that He finally managed to prise out of your hands and all He did was to wrap His huge arms around you.

you cried, like a baby but you know He is trying to help you.

He is easing the pain now, why were you so stubborn?

it feels so much better, and you hugged Him back.

//

God is God, and He knows what He is doing. He owes no one explanations. He owes no one reasons. He owes no one anything simply because He knows best.